Yup, Heather and I eventually sorted our differences so I’m quite thankful that we still see that we can make better from what we were going through. =] Time to move on to make things happen from here on out once again.

Aside from that, I’m starting to job search once again and applying to the new In-N-Out out in Signal Hill. Hopefully I get the job because I’ve been broke for the past couple months and only doing chores at home and waiting for weekly allowance for maintaining the house’s “cleanliness” I suppose. Not the way to go when you have a project car that needs attention.

Musically, I haven’t really been active. The jazz accordion band’s been on hiatus again after our recent gig for our band member’s sister’s wedding cocktail party before the reception. As for Random Act, we lack the communication that seems to follow after every gig. Other than that, still drumming for church and recently had a “shed session” with the homie Lainard trading off beats back and fourth. That actually was rather fun.

Well, I just hope to utilize more of my semester off school. It’s definitely been uneventful as much as I wanted it to be aside the random stuff. Just kind of sucks when you give away a job offer to seek something better then all the other jobs fell through. -__- Anyway, just gotta keep chuggin’ away.

I know it’s been quite awhile since I’ve last blog, but I might as well start with something here…

So, I’ve isolated myself from the facebook world. And unfortunately, Heather and I are going through some “stuff” at this very moment. I’m resisting to call, text, communicate with her just to let her have her space, but going through this stuff kills me. To see a love like this on pause because of a mistake. An accident one may say. Sure, it could”ve been preventable,  but it happened nonetheless. And of course, somebody got hurt.

I don’t think I’ll be going in depth as far as telling the story, (if you wish, hit me up via cell or whatever). I’ve done all I possibly can (at least I think I did) explaining myself, defending myself, and letting her know I’m sorry. And being sorry can only go so far, but I do and did mean it when I told her. I’ve explained to her about that the countless things I’ve listed are for her and only her, and not some other chick. I’m not doing these many things in vain just because. And it sucks because saying all of that isn’t just enough. I’ve put it all in front of her and I’m basically begging her “don’t you see the picture?” I know, one phrase can hurt her and everything, but mistakes do happen. Sure, mistakes do hurt, but the degree of the mistake isn’t one where it’s something crazy. Of course, I did apologize for what I’ve done, and it was careless, but something out of my control (to a certain extent). And no doubt, I mean it. There’s no reason why I’d even try putting myself in such a situation intentionally. Definitely a waste of time (especially ours).

But it has come to this, not contacting each other, being blunt, and that’s about it. Yesterday killed me… I felt so down, I decided that to past the pain away, I lied in bed, to sleep it off. Ended up sleeping from 5 in the afternoon until 1 in the morning. It’s unfortunate. There’s nothing I can do anymore (other than pray of course…), but at least from my end. I’ve said what I said, and did what I could. I just gotta play the “waiting game” now.

I’m sure through her end, she’s wondering, “how can I love somebody that said something like that to me?” I know it sucks on her end, but it sucks on mine too. I said something that was said through the sub-conscious mind. I know, I have had similar incidents like this, but this is the one that drew the line. But imagine yourself in this position… Your mind, it takes a screen shot of what’s in front of it… In this case for me, it was the laptop. I read something that was in front of my eyes, *BOOM, mental picture shot*. All of a sudden, your body and mind starts to fall asleep while on the phone. The mind recites or even “archives” through what happened that day. Before I slept, it was what I last saw on the laptop screen before falling asleep, which was a name. In the end, I say that person’s name instead of Heather’s.

Am I to blame for having my mind just boggling through thoughts? It’s just a visual thing, that was expressed through words. Is it feelings though? No. Not even close. So my defense? That’s all I have. Is it bull shit? No. But did it hurt on her end? Yes. Am I sorry for it? Yes. But is that alone enough? I guess not. How am I going to prevent it from happening again? I guess go sleep before I get tired… Or, cut the phone conversation short before such an incident happens again… Or, not even go online while chatting on the phone.

Mind you, (no pun intended up ahead), the mind is a complex thing. Such a word, thought, etc. was just expressed because it did (or at least for me it did). I know the past incidents, I was an asshole to her while half asleep. But, that’s not me, I suppose it’s just my “sub-conscious soul” being cranky wanting sleep or whatever. Those who know me know that my tolerance is high for anything for the fact I respect everything almost every time (unless it’s something really worth wasting on). It doesn’t “match” my personality. What am I supposed to do then? I’ve said it many times to her and said it time and time again when my “sub-conscious” self speaks out but I’m basically apologizing for something “I” (being the real me Vs. my sub-conscious soul) I didn’t do. But is it enough to believe? Most likely not because I should be responsible for everything about me right? Then what does it take to have somebody believe me?

I’ve been really contemplating to hit up a psychiatrist just to diagnose myself with this stupid disorder. Or whatever this bull crap is. It’s definitely not me and it’s really costing me my relationship with Heather. It’s unfortunate. I literally pity myself and drown myself with depression because there literally is NOTHING I CAN DO.

Believe me or not, I’ve done what I can to express how I feel for her… Call this “thing” I have bull shit or not, I stand where I am. I guess if anything, I shouldn’t be worth anyone’s time because I’ll probably end up hurting them… I’m literally falling apart right now. About to approach day #3 of this and it’s not looking good giving each other “space”. I’ve done what I can to distract myself today but I come back home with many depressing thoughts and a heavy chest.

I don’t know…

If you’re reading this Heather, I love you. I guess I’m indirectly speaking to you because I’m too much of a coward to say hi to you while we’re in this “phase”. I really am trying to give you that time and space to think (I wish you can ask your heart instead…) I’m really sorry and I do understand what I said hurt you, but this is all I can do. You know I don’t toss these words around and I mean it every time, otherwise, I wouldn’t waste my time saying it to you. I just hope you figure out what’s going on with your heart because it’s either that you do or you don’t. And you know that yourself. If you ask me, you already know what the answer is.

Just gotta play that waiting game I guess… Until then…